So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
