On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
