I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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