I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
