this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
