im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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