Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
