just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize