cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
