Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
