There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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