oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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