I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
