Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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