wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize