When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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