Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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