Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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