wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
