i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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