i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
