I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
