She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
