Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
