hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
