I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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