I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
