I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
