What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
