look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
