I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
