Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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