i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
