you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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