She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have post one night stand depression
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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