I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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