You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
