who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He kissed a someone with a penis
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
