He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
