Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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