my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
