i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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