Me too!
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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