I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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