Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
