made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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