she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
