Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
