Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
