i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
