The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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