Just took my morning after pill in the library
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
