we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Text me some of your sweat
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