She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
