You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
