Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
