i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
