I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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